Arguments in parental relationships

Disagreements and arguments are a normal part of everyday life.

They can happen for any reason including:

• financial pressures
• how to parent
• household tasks
• life changes, such as having a new baby.

When we are stressed, we are more likely to struggle to manage these disagreements in a healthy way. The strength of our relationships depend on how we communicate with each other.

Research has shown that there is two ways of arguing; harmful and helpful.

Harmful arguing might include:

• Criticism – when a complaint takes the form of a personal attack. This conveys disrespect, disdain, disapproval, and contempt.
• Contempt – sarcasm or personal insults such as, ‘You’re an idiot.’
• Defensiveness – denying responsibility for actions, making excuses, and responding to complaints with counter-complaints.
• Stonewalling – emotional withdrawal, silence, or refusal to speak. It may also be nonverbal, like turning your back and slamming doors.

It's easy to fall into patterns of damaging arguing behaviours, especially when we are stressed.

In the first part of this video about Jag’s family can you spot the ways his parents argue that are likely to be harmful to Jag and to their relationship?

This video has been republished from the see it differently website.

Conflict with a co-parent can take up our energy and attention.

We may have less patience with daily parenting. This could result in relaxing rules and "letting things go". Or over controlling children to bring some sense of control back into our lives.

You may worry about your child's behaviour and want to seek some help, such as:

• parenting courses
• help from school staff
• wellbeing, emotional or mental health services for children

These are much less likely to work if you are in conflict with your co-parent.

Children learn from and copy their parents' behaviour.

Children who see their parents working out disagreements in a positive way are more likely to follow this example. They may learn:

• communication skills
• conflict resolution
• how to solve problems
• to be kind and respectful to others
• how to compromise

Children who see their parents arguing a lot may:

• be more argumentative
• refuse to listen
• avoid disagreements
• feel overwhelmed by disagreements
• struggle with sibling, peer and romantic relationships

Children may learn to expect the next argument. This can be worse if they did not see their parents resolve their issues. This may affect their feelings of safety, security, and stability. They may see the home as a place where there are a lot of arguments. As they age, they may choose to spend more time away from the family home.

Conflict

Do you recognise any of this?

• shouting or loud arguments
• stuck in a pattern of arguing over the same things and never sorting them out
• not speaking to each other regularly or for long periods of time
• sulking or walking away
• struggling to apologise or being disrespectful

Abuse

Does your partner ever:

• threaten, intimidate or make you feel fearful?
• physically hurt you?
• pressure you or make unwanted sexual demands?
• isolate you from friends & family?
• tell you what to wear or think?
• control the money?

Knowing that domestic abuse is different to conflict in relationships is important. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship there is different specialist help available. Please speak to a children and family wellbeing team member for help.

If you are at immediate risk of harm call 999.